I am sporadically faithful to my personal journal, and often when I look back at entries from last year, last month, or even yesterday, I find myself thinking "Well, that's not me today at all". In this case, I'm extremely grateful that a certain entry does not reflect my outlook for today. This excerpt is from a cold, dark, depressing February 7th, 2009 entry, when I was struggling with the move back to Maryland...
How much time is enough time to give a place a chance? Sometimes this solitude is so heavy that I'm pushing against it with all my strength and I still feel crushed. I can't help but feel envious that I'm so lost and alone and everyone I know seems to have found their place (for the moment, at least)...I need to be in an environment that nurtures my ideas and intentions. I need to be surrounded by people that I trust and respect and care about, and share curiosities and ideas with. I need to be surrounded by people that love being outside, that love to cook and listen to music and laugh, that provide insight and fresh perspectives, that care about the earth and their community, and the movements that serve to protect all those things. I want to selflessly give to my people and my community because it wouldn't occur to me to be any other way. I just don't know if I can find that here.
Fortunately I did find that. But looking back, it's clear that my loneliness and isolation were a direct result of feeling disconnected from my environment. This is why "community" is important to me. This is one reason why I think so many people feel lost and alone, even in the middle of a bustling city, and don't know why.
I live in a neighborhood that I don't particularly like, but I work in a neighborhood that I love, and enjoy being a part of. So at the end of the day, I like to go home and sleep in my bed, but my community and sense of belonging lives somewhere else.
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